All Posts, poetry

hey dad

dear dad:

 

i used to sit in my room crying.

i couldn’t breathe.

by that i mean, the promises of my future were lying.

i mean, i just couldn’t breathe.

i sucked at explaining myself but

i expected you to know everything

just like you always say you do.

but i was suffocating.

i was accepting of the end.

i needed you to be my friend.

 

you have always been my everything,

the rock i always needed,

you have provided,

you have cared,

you have protected,

you have filled roles you never thought would need to be filled.

 

so, as i was suffocating, i thought to myself:

i could lose this fight

but

for you,

i will not lose this fight.

 

the years went by and i could just barely breathe.

but i could breathe.

there were many times i wanted to close the gap

yet you remained my reason i would not.

 

the air got thinner, though.

like, the top of mount everest thin.

the mountain is sure getting harder to climb.

good thing you are with me.

 

but then,

when,

i needed you to be my friend,

i felt like we were reaching the end,

you criticized the way i climbed the mountain,

the way my hair was blowing in the wind,

the way i tied my boots,

the way i was breathing so extremely hard,

because the air was thin,

like mount everest thin,

and

i was suffocating,

like… “i’m about to be a body left on mount everest” suffocating.

 

so, this time,

instead of you being the reason i kept going,

you turned into the reason i hoped i tripped and fell off the mountain.

because climbing that fucking mountain is hard enough.

and i needed you to encourage me.

so i didn’t suffocate.

but i’m about to fucking suffocate.

and you’re focused on my shoes

my climb,

my breathing,

and even my hair.

 

and even though we’re both climbing this mountain,

and even though i’m still suffocating,

i just wanted you to know,

you used to be the reason i wouldn’t but now you’re the reason i would.

 

the suffocation won’t calm

my lungs are like a bomb

i’ve always waited for the timer

except now, you will be the only climber.

enjoy the view without me

because, “to be or not to be” is the only question i am able to see.

 

in conclusion,

this is how you went from being the reason i would not

to being

the reason of that suffocating thought.

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