All Posts, poetry

hey dad

dear dad:

 

i used to sit in my room crying.

i couldn’t breathe.

by that i mean, the promises of my future were lying.

i mean, i just couldn’t breathe.

i sucked at explaining myself but

i expected you to know everything

just like you always say you do.

but i was suffocating.

i was accepting of the end.

i needed you to be my friend.

 

you have always been my everything,

the rock i always needed,

you have provided,

you have cared,

you have protected,

you have filled roles you never thought would need to be filled.

 

so, as i was suffocating, i thought to myself:

i could lose this fight

but

for you,

i will not lose this fight.

 

the years went by and i could just barely breathe.

but i could breathe.

there were many times i wanted to close the gap

yet you remained my reason i would not.

 

the air got thinner, though.

like, the top of mount everest thin.

the mountain is sure getting harder to climb.

good thing you are with me.

 

but then,

when,

i needed you to be my friend,

i felt like we were reaching the end,

you criticized the way i climbed the mountain,

the way my hair was blowing in the wind,

the way i tied my boots,

the way i was breathing so extremely hard,

because the air was thin,

like mount everest thin,

and

i was suffocating,

like… “i’m about to be a body left on mount everest” suffocating.

 

so, this time,

instead of you being the reason i kept going,

you turned into the reason i hoped i tripped and fell off the mountain.

because climbing that fucking mountain is hard enough.

and i needed you to encourage me.

so i didn’t suffocate.

but i’m about to fucking suffocate.

and you’re focused on my shoes

my climb,

my breathing,

and even my hair.

 

and even though we’re both climbing this mountain,

and even though i’m still suffocating,

i just wanted you to know,

you used to be the reason i wouldn’t but now you’re the reason i would.

 

the suffocation won’t calm

my lungs are like a bomb

i’ve always waited for the timer

except now, you will be the only climber.

enjoy the view without me

because, “to be or not to be” is the only question i am able to see.

 

in conclusion,

this is how you went from being the reason i would not

to being

the reason of that suffocating thought.

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All Posts, art and photography, personal writings

Self Portraits this morning.

 

I love the human body, not particularly mine… but that’s a topic for another post. I have had trouble finding a model to work with so I took it upon myself to try and carry out a vision I’ve had for awhile. I’m sure my parents would freak out at these, but I’m an artsy person, not particularly affected by nudity, and as I said, love the human body.

I have dipped my toes into probably 70% of possible genres in the world and always make my way back to humans. Maybe it’s because I’m a closeted hopeless romantic or just have that urge within me for some reason.

Notice they aren’t full nudes, I’m not there with myself yet and probably will never be. Plus, I do have SOME internet boundaries. I just want to be creative and where I live just lacks the resources artists like myself need. I’m so bored, I’m so bored with life, I’m so depressed and everything is so bland. These pictures, for the thirty minutes it took to take them, let the colors come back into my vision. Then, as I was editing, I realized I didn’t completely hate myself or my body and that in itself is quite an achievement for me. I saw fat rolls and stretch marks and bruises and bumps and cellulite, and you know what? The body positivity that has been going around has been affective in allowing me to love my body. It’s honestly pretty weird. But… a good weird.

So, thanks for reading and subscribe for more totally emotional posts, probably in the form of poetry. Leave comments on how I can improve. (Step 1 is getting a battery for my remote so I don’t have to keep getting up every ten seconds lol)

 

P.s. I’m completely aware that the pictures could be better, I didn’t try extremely hard and I didn’t have the equipment I needed immediately available in that moment. However, I personally like the style and, in general, how they came out.

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